Is a loved one always your best healthcare proxy?
Jack and Lily were excited about retirement plans to travel the world! But a devastating ALS diagnosis changed everything. New plans included drawing up Jack’s living will with his wishes and directions for medical care. Jack named Lily as his trusted health care proxy with his health care power of attorney to make sure his instructions would be honored when he could no longer speak for himself.
After 3 years of suffering, Jack’s heart gave up in an ER. Per Jack’s living will, CPR was not performed. Overcome with grief, Lily stood on a chair in the ER and screamed over and over, “I’m not ready! Save him!” The medical team and nearby patients were traumatized, too, so Jack was resuscitated and lived a few more months. He passed when Lily was ready.
It’s natural to name a close loved one as your health care proxy, but that closeness can be a hardship.
Questions to consider when choosing a proxy with your medical power of attorney:
- Are they empathetic? Can they replace their own thoughts and feelings with mine?
- Would they be emotionally fragile if I am seriously ill?
- Do they trust my judgement on health care matters?
- Do they trust medicine, science facts, doctors?
- Are they good listeners? Ask questions? Able to absorb and process information?
- Would they be emotionally scarred by having to carry out my wishes?
- Can they manage the health care system with confidence?
- What kind of experience do they have as a proxy for others?
More food for thought …
- Consider naming two compatible proxies. They can support one another, and one would be available for you, even if the other is not.
- You may want to consider naming a professional health care proxy – a patient advocate, nurse or doctor.
- Documenting your wishes and values will help ensure your health care proxy has a thorough understanding to guide them. Five Wishes publishes a wonderful little guide to help you do just that!
This topic may result in hard family conversations, or you may wish to handle your living will decisions privately.
There is no one right way to make this decision, except to follow your gut about what feels right to you.
Hopefully, a thoughtful process will help you answer: Who can best speak for me if I can’t speak for myself?